AlexSchmidt(y) Blog

My website is ALEXSCHMIDTY.COM. I work at Cracked and contribute to WitStream. I made most everything here.
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cracked:

You need to hear this. Just try not to get wibbly-wobbly angry-wangry.

It’s Time to Retire Doctor Who

SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID IT

cracked:

Jack has a hypeman, and you’ve got a better job than you think.

5 People Having a Worse Day at Work Than You Are

I helped write this! Jack O’Brien kills it and Simon Jia guest stars as the world’s worst hype man.

Got to be on this show last night and man oh man what a treat. Big thanks to Adam Tod Brown for roping me in on it and Lou Perez for being a kind fatherly lumberjack of a host.

Got to be on this show last night and man oh man what a treat. Big thanks to Adam Tod Brown for roping me in on it and Lou Perez for being a kind fatherly lumberjack of a host.

amandalynferri:

staff:

Tumblr. Now available as clothes. 

Hi! It only took me three years but I finally made a store.

Amanda combined her BustedTees, Tumblr, and Radness powers into one thing and now I have an excuse to blow some cash.

amandalynferri:

staff:

Tumblr. Now available as clothes

Hi! It only took me three years but I finally made a store.

Amanda combined her BustedTees, Tumblr, and Radness powers into one thing and now I have an excuse to blow some cash.

So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?

@mr-cappadocia

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

codyjohnston:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

Because we’re true believers! 

Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby Gallery of the Day direction if not for the steadfast resistance of David Wong and Jack O’Brien. I barely acknowledge the side that opposes feminism, but Wong goes out of his way to understand people who are mad at feminists, and he writes about those views with more sensitivity and understanding that I could ever muster. 

To sum up: We don’t have an explicit agenda but if one comes across, It’s not one I’m ashamed of. 

Kristi is a liar. I remember the meeting where the Cracked brain trust sat down and was like “From now on let’s occasionally post articles that either directly or conspiratorially tangentially support equal rights for women so we can accomplish our ultimate end goal: Hack into the penis of every man and make it a smaller penis, or a penis that is otherwise laughable for a different reason upon which we all agree. It almost sounds TOO easy,” Jack said, as he (via the mainframe) hacked a young Robert Brockway’s penis. “I think my wife deserves my respect,” the now-neutered Brockway yelped.

#LaughablePenisRights

#NotAllLaughablePenises

It is weird that we do it so constantly, when everybody knows that people only deserve equal rights and treatment between the hours of4 and 7 pm on alternate February the 29ths. At first we worried that we couldn’t cover it all with our current propaganda budget, but we were able to transfer some funding to supporting feminism from our “Don’t be an asshole” budget because it turns out they overlap completely.

Look, I get it buddy. You’re pissed off because you’ve tried to be a good person your whole life and still you feel like you’ve been consistently stripped of the things you thought were guaranteed , and now there is a whole organized movement saying you still have too much, that you, just trying to live your life, is an affront to an entire gender. That’s a shitty feeling, but here’s the thing: no one is actually trying to take anything from you. That sickening feeling you have that your being robbed of basic human rights, there are people around you in your life who are feeling a worse version of that everyday. If you don’t believe me, look at any of the secret camera videos women have taken on the street to catch the verbal abuse they suffer, listen to any of the stories of guys who touch women on crowded trains and then smile at them as they leave because they know there’s nothing she can do about it, read any of the millions of accounts from human beings about the exhausting and demoralizing abuse they put up with every day. And you might not be the guy making them feel that way, I hope you’re not, but holy shit, you can actually help. You can help other people instead of standing in their way because it feels like another inconvenience. Finally, even if the absolute worse case scenario is true: this is one big conspiracy, Cracked and feminists and a huge chunk of the Internet are villainizing men unfairly and creating a culture where you’re no longer allowed to even voice your opinions without people getting angry- even if all of that is true- isn’t that worth preventing an inarguably high percentage of sexual abuse and dangerous objectification of your daughter/ your sister/ your wife? 

Not all the stabs at equality will be smart, or entirely on point or even helpful. This form of feminism is new, chillingly new for how long this shit has been going on, and not everyone is good at it yet, but holy shit, friend, how can you argue against the aim of basic respect for another human being?

XOXO,

Soren

Tumblr’s equivalent of a “notorious” troll hates Cracked and hates himself more. What an amazingly kind response by Soren to that, on top of being funny and a strong response to bullshit just like the rest of the gang.

And as a bonus, he signs off like…

image

QUIZ: Which Alex Schmidt are you?

ohmygodwaytoolong:

Guys I’m working on my BRAND pls help

Well the results are pouring in and they are shockingly detailed:

I’m assuming those 6% of you were converted to…my cult of personality? If so please depict me as an “eyes to the horizon” figure, if possible on a rearing steed (this goes for paintings and statuary).

QUIZ: Which Alex Schmidt are you?

Guys I’m working on my BRAND pls help
codyjohnston:

If it wasn’t fucked up enough that Amnesty International actually sent people to Ferguson to give aid on American soil, tonight the police kicked them out, with their hands up, AT GUNPOINT. Same goes for so much press throughout the night (side note, I recently saw a former military officer talk about tactics and how they only point their guns if they intend to shoot. If that were true in Ferguson, hundreds of people would already be dead). At one point, a cop pulled the press badge off a Vice News reporter’s neck, tore it up, and told him it “didn’t mean shit.” War correspondents from OTHER COUNTRIES have travelled to this small town in Missouri. War correspondents. Of all the messed up pictures out there of citizens being bullied and denied their rights, imagine what happens after all the press are denied their rights (regularly) and are forced to leave (regularly). They’re not even allowed to leave their little press area, far from the real story. “The world is watching” has been sent to Ferguson from all over the globe, and it’s very heartening. But what happens when no one can watch?

If you want, here’s a helpful list of people on the ground to follow. Pretty constant updates, many powerful, many inspiring, most terrifying: https://twitter.com/drmistercody/lists/ferguson.
‪#‎War‬ ‪#‎IceBucketChallenge‬ ‪#‎TaylorSwift‬‪#‎NewHarryPotterShortStoryAboutASingingSorceress‬


Open that list at your own risk of actually knowing what’s going on.

codyjohnston:

If it wasn’t fucked up enough that Amnesty International actually sent people to Ferguson to give aid on American soil, tonight the police kicked them out, with their hands up, AT GUNPOINT. Same goes for so much press throughout the night (side note, I recently saw a former military officer talk about tactics and how they only point their guns if they intend to shoot. If that were true in Ferguson, hundreds of people would already be dead). At one point, a cop pulled the press badge off a Vice News reporter’s neck, tore it up, and told him it “didn’t mean shit.” War correspondents from OTHER COUNTRIES have travelled to this small town in Missouri. War correspondents. Of all the messed up pictures out there of citizens being bullied and denied their rights, imagine what happens after all the press are denied their rights (regularly) and are forced to leave (regularly). They’re not even allowed to leave their little press area, far from the real story. “The world is watching” has been sent to Ferguson from all over the globe, and it’s very heartening. But what happens when no one can watch?

If you want, here’s a helpful list of people on the ground to follow. Pretty constant updates, many powerful, many inspiring, most terrifying: https://twitter.com/drmistercody/lists/ferguson.

‪#‎War‬ ‪#‎IceBucketChallenge‬ ‪#‎TaylorSwift‬‪#‎NewHarryPotterShortStoryAboutASingingSorceress‬

Open that list at your own risk of actually knowing what’s going on.

thisdanobrien:

I made this robot today for a project none of you will ever see.

I chipped in and gave this robot a wagglin’ Mutombo Finger. None of you will ever see that either.

thisdanobrien:

I made this robot today for a project none of you will ever see.

I chipped in and gave this robot a wagglin’ Mutombo Finger. None of you will ever see that either.

I am not going to spoil this place for you, I’m just going to say go. That’s how it got recommended to me and I’m glad that’s how it happened.

I am not going to spoil this place for you, I’m just going to say go. That’s how it got recommended to me and I’m glad that’s how it happened.